Thursday, June 23, 2005

It Must Suck to Be The Ugly One

I don't understand how it happens. Two people mate. They give birth to an incredibly good-looking child (or at least someone who is going to one day grow into an incredibly good-looking adult). At some point, those exact same two people go at it again, this time bearing considerably less attractive spawn. As if that doesn't incite enough sibling rivalry, the more attractive sibling somehow then hits it big and finds their way into the hearts of the public, leaving the other sibling to pretty much rot (or, if you're Haylie Duff, it leaves you to mindlessly follow your far-more successful sister around making cutesy faces and dumb poses at the camera, hoping she'll ask you to record another duet with her).

Come on, you've seen it before. In the last two years, we've been pretty much bombarded not only with celebrity hotties, but with their homely relatives. The Simpsons, the Hiltons, the Knowles', the Duffs, and now even the Bartons. It's pretty much become a "If you want the one, you've got to take the other" situation.

Of couse, every situation is different. Ashlee, while significantly less physically appealing than Jessica, did (legitimately?) find her own success. Nicky Hilton seems to willingly let Paris take the healm, although it's fairly safe to say that whether Nicky "allowed" it or not, Paris was going to rule the Hilton roost. Solange Knowles had the sense to realise early on that she wasn't going to live up to the standard Beyonce had set and backed off, but not before trying to use her family name to break into the biz. Hania Barton is only recently starting to show her face at events with Mischa, so it could be a false alarm, but it makes my list look better to have them there. :-)

The worst offender by far, however, is Haylie Duff. The Duff's continually thrust her into the public eye, despite our protests. The way she trails beyond Hilary at all times, almost literally hanging from her, it almost brings a tear to the eye. It's becoming more and more rare to find Hilary on her own these days, without the enormous features of her aesthetically-challenged sister following close behind. In Haylie's case, the whole thing suddenly becomes far more tragic when you find out that not only is she is 3 years older than Hilary, but she tried to break into the biz first. She even auditioned for the part of Lizzie McGuire and lost the part to you-know-who. Yikes. I'll bet Hilary sleeps with one eye open.

But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The bottom line is, of these pairs, one is always above-par on the Attractiveness scale, while the other falls far below any standard of beauty I've ever seen. It just seems so unfair. The prettier, more charming, smaller-nosed sisters are sitting on top of the world while their hosebeast counterparts sit back, idly wading in the shallow end of the gene pool. Is there no justice in this world?

However, I don't think that gives the parents of these women the right to force the uglies on us. We don't want 'em!

Jamie Lynn Spears has it easy. Not only was she born looking nearly identical to her famous sister, but she was lucky enough to sit back and watch while the aforementioned sister slowly went insane over the years, letting herself go physically, allowing her white-trash roots to show, thus making Jamie Lynn a shoo-in to fall into the number one spot in both their parents' and the public's eyes. Not too dissimilar to Ashley Olsen's situation really. More power to you, Jamie Lynn.

I wonder if there are other unknown sisters of the stars waiting in the wings, hoping to see their celebrity genepool crash and burn so that they can dye their hair to "differentiate themselves" and take the top spot?

Are you listening, Aliana Lohan?

Photo from


Anonymous said...

i agree with you on most of the sisters, but solnage has grown into her features and now looks pretty good. she doesn't look like Beyonce, but if her last name was jones and not knowles people wouldn't think that way. it's hard to live up tp Beyonce.

Anonymous said...

you are right about everything you said. solange is sooo unattractive to me. how could beyonce be sooo pretty and her sister look like that. it's about time that someone just said what we all are thinking.

Anonymous said...

Jamie Lynn Spears is uglyer then her sister!!! And she sucks and singing and can not act! And rumor has it shes a lil bitch

Orpheus said...

Mmmm that's a bit extreme...I don't think Ashley Simpson is ugly at all, in fact in some pics, and esp. after the surgery, she looks prettier than her sister. And Nicky Hilton is by far more beautiful and more interesting than her sister. Probably because we see less of her as well. Ashley and Mary Kate Olson are almost identical, so I don't see how this applies to them.

Anonymous said...

If lady GaGa happens to have a sister, I hope she's safely locked away in a basement somewhere. Otherwise, we're all doomed. *shudders*

Anonymous said...

Please update this to include pig face Khloe Kardashian and the shorter stockier no-neck Jenner sister who only gets modeling gigs bc obviously Kris won't sell the pretty one unless it's a buy one get one free package deal.

Anonymous said...

Haylie is far from ugly. And the reason you always see Haylie with her sister is because they are close. Solange makes her self look worse than she really is-Hair-clothes-and her attitude :). She is not ugly either.
I agree with Orpheus, that this article is a little extreme.

Marnie said...

Extreme, maybe, but also 9 years old.