Saturday, September 17, 2005

I've Seen Better Weeks.

What a week.

As we know, it started out with a bang on Sunday night, when Simon decided that it'd been a while since he'd seen what my face tasted like. Yay. Well, as it happens, that was pretty much the highlight of my week, as things only went downhill from there.

On Tuesday, I went to pick Colleen up from the airport, as you also know. Of course I had to drive around the airport terminal 3 separate times because the airport cops chase you away if the person you're picking up isn't perched directly on the edge of the curb, waiting to toss their belongings into your car and hop in (If you don't have to actually stop the car, that's a plus). On my first trip around, I ended up somewhere near the Philadelphia Zoo, which, if you know anything about Philadelphia, you'll know that that's not really near the airport at all. Woo hoo. I guess I didn't correctly follow the arrows on the ever popular "Return to Terminal" sign (which I always think should actually say "Return to Terminal, Ass.").

Anyway, on my second trip around, I actually made it back without incident. I was supposed to meet Colleen under the US Airways Express sign, and there I was, yet there was no sign of her. When I called to find out where she was, she said "You're in departures, right?" Well... umm... no. Seeing as she'd just "arrived" and all, I thought "Arrivals" would be the better place to be. Apparently I was wrong.

Around I went.

On the third and final trip, I somehow managed to get her ass in the car, (not without getting some mysterious oily slime from my trunk all over my hands) and we made it home with little to no hassle. In fact, traffic on 76 was as light as I've ever seen it in my life, so someone was smiling down at us for that period. Little did I know that that was the last time this would be true for the next few days.

The rest of the night went fine, what with the heaps of salad and all. I don't really have any complaints. It's the next morning when it all went pear-shaped.

I left Colleen's at around 7:30 or so, which left me plenty of time to get to work, which is only about 35 minutes away from her. Ha.

I won't get into the details of how it all happened (because I'd be here all day) but somehow, some way, I ended up in Lansdale. Just so this means something to you, I'll included this little visual:

If you'll notice, the two places are so far apart, that they don't even show up on the same map together. I'm quite the navigator.

But fear not, it gets worse!!

I FINALLY get my shit together and end up going the right way. When my exit is the next one, I glance down and notice that I'm majorly on empty. I'm still about 2 miles from my exit, and after the exit, I've still got to drive a bit to get to my place of work. NOT going to make it. Now I'm praying and near to tears (and also well over an hour late for work at this point). Through the grace of God, I make it to my exit. Only, I don't realise that I'm going South, when I'm normally coming North, so I make my usual right off of the exit and have no clue where I am. I drive up a bit more, still not recognising anything. I do see a gas station however, and that's good enough for me.

I pull into the gas station...

And pull much too close to the pump.

Hit the pump.

Majorly dent my car.

Am I unbelievable or what?

After I sort that out (i.e., pull the car the right way, replace the nozzle that I knocked out of the holder, and thank the sweet Lord I didn't blow the place up), I realise that I'm in PA where it's self serve, and I have no idea how to pump gas. GREAT!

Just because I'm a good person and don't deserve to be FULLY screwed, I managed to find a sweet, sweet man who did it for me. And to that man, wherever you are, whoever you are, you prevented me from just bursting into tears and completely going off the deep end. So I thank you.

Anyway, after a bit more of driving in the wrong direction, completely fretting about the car (because there's an insurance issue that I also won't get into), I finally find out where I am and get going in the right direction. I pull into my work a mere 2 hours late. Hoorah.

Oh yes, I almost forgot. My boss wants me to up my productivity by 30%.

Anyway, thank God I love the people I work with. They make me laugh all day long which is good because the work itself is so tedious and boring that I'd otherwise be likely to snap at any given moment.

Let's hope that next week goes a little smoother.


Anonymous said...
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Flicstix said...

HAHAHAHAHA! You totally made me laugh my ass off!!!
Not because of your desperate mis-fortune, but honestly! ONLY YOU!!!
What you needed, was a huge sign, that just said 'THE NORTH' and you would have been well on your way!

I am so sorry you had a rough morning though, but honestly, you dont know how to put petrol in your car....
Perhaps you should keep a minion in your boot and get him to hop out (wearing a thong for comedy effect) and do it for you every time!