Monday, June 27, 2005

Mother Nature is a Whore!

Hi folks
As you know, I'm leaving for the shore tonight. I know I said I wasn't going to write any more before I left, but I thought you'd all like to see Long Beach Island's weather forecast for the upcoming week. I remind you that I will be leaving to come home on Friday:



Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Oh well, at least they're not expecting rain for Live 8... yet.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Vacation's All I Ever Wanted

Hello my minions!

Sadly, I'm going to be leaving you for the next few days whilst I travel to the Jersey shore with my sister and her 2 young offspring. I'm not actually leaving until Monday evening, but being the procrastinator that I am, I'm sure I'll spend my final moments at home deciding what to pack rather than enteraining and informing you all here at Marnie's World.

I'll be returning on Friday evening, at which point I will be heading across the bridge to Philadelphia to get a headstart on the Live 8 festivities. My whole life, I've said that if I could turn back time and do anything, it would be to attend Live Aid, and this is my chance. I was only 5 when the last one happened, and although I vividly remember watching it on TV, (in particular, Madonna saying "I ain't takin' shit off tonight!") it's just not the same!! I could start a tirade about the London line-up versus the Philly line-up this year, but I don't want to get upset all over again. I'm just going to shut up and make the most of the fact that there's one going on 20 minutes from my house. Could be worse, right? Anyway, they're expecting something like 2 million people, so if I make it through the madness, I'll be back on Sunday to report. If I don't, well... it's been fun!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

See? It's Starting Already!

Katie Holmes has been dropped from future Batman Sequels

"Everyone is in agreement that the movie's strength is with Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman. [Holmes] won't be in the sequel ... the next romantic interest will be a much stronger actress. Warner is happy that people are now focusing on who'll be playing the Joker rather than Katie and Tom" says a source for the paper. Even amongst its swath of positive reviews, many cited Holmes performance as the one flaw amongst otherwise unanimously acclaimed performances"
Ouch.

This little gem was brought to my attention by Ravi at Amphetameme.org. Thanks!

Friday, June 24, 2005

Enough Already.

Dear Katie Holmes,

It has gone too far. You are in trouble. You used to seem so sweet and cute and down to Earth, Now you're barely likeable. But it's not too late! You can still reverse the process! Get out now!! Please, for the love of all that is Holy, get out now!!!

Not only are you committing career suicide, but if you don't act soon, you're going to be shipped off to some Scientologist Reprogramming Camp. You're never going to be the same... and if you keep making those faces, your face is going to freeze that way.

Run. Run like the wind and never look back!

Sincerely,
Everyone.



Somebody stop this idiot. Please.



Read his completely screwy interview with Matt Lauer here.

Read an extremely humorous, illustrated version of his completely screwy interview with Matt Lauer here.

Somewhere in the world, right at this moment, Nicole and Penelope are thanking their lucky stars.

Liens drĂ´les*

Here are some excellent links that I didn't include in my introduction. Enjoy...

Snarkywood - Oh for the love of God, I wish I'd known about this site sooner. I've spent hours trying to catch up on the archives! Worth it.

Conversations About Famous People - Funny, biting, sarcastic. An all-around good read. For starters, you can read this. See? I told you Kathy Hilton was an ass.

You Can't Make It Up - This girl is f***ing HYSTERICAL. I laugh until I cry.

My Cat Hates You - A non-blog site, but nevertheless entertaining, especially if you love cats. If you absolutely hate cats, it might not be the site for you, but if you're borderline about them, it might sway you. You can go there to see stuff like this...



And last but not least...

Bangkok Street Dogs - For the dog lover in all of us.

*Funny Links

Thursday, June 23, 2005

It Must Suck to Be The Ugly One

I don't understand how it happens. Two people mate. They give birth to an incredibly good-looking child (or at least someone who is going to one day grow into an incredibly good-looking adult). At some point, those exact same two people go at it again, this time bearing considerably less attractive spawn. As if that doesn't incite enough sibling rivalry, the more attractive sibling somehow then hits it big and finds their way into the hearts of the public, leaving the other sibling to pretty much rot (or, if you're Haylie Duff, it leaves you to mindlessly follow your far-more successful sister around making cutesy faces and dumb poses at the camera, hoping she'll ask you to record another duet with her).

Come on, you've seen it before. In the last two years, we've been pretty much bombarded not only with celebrity hotties, but with their homely relatives. The Simpsons, the Hiltons, the Knowles', the Duffs, and now even the Bartons. It's pretty much become a "If you want the one, you've got to take the other" situation.

Of couse, every situation is different. Ashlee, while significantly less physically appealing than Jessica, did (legitimately?) find her own success. Nicky Hilton seems to willingly let Paris take the healm, although it's fairly safe to say that whether Nicky "allowed" it or not, Paris was going to rule the Hilton roost. Solange Knowles had the sense to realise early on that she wasn't going to live up to the standard Beyonce had set and backed off, but not before trying to use her family name to break into the biz. Hania Barton is only recently starting to show her face at events with Mischa, so it could be a false alarm, but it makes my list look better to have them there. :-)

The worst offender by far, however, is Haylie Duff. The Duff's continually thrust her into the public eye, despite our protests. The way she trails beyond Hilary at all times, almost literally hanging from her, it almost brings a tear to the eye. It's becoming more and more rare to find Hilary on her own these days, without the enormous features of her aesthetically-challenged sister following close behind. In Haylie's case, the whole thing suddenly becomes far more tragic when you find out that not only is she is 3 years older than Hilary, but she tried to break into the biz first. She even auditioned for the part of Lizzie McGuire and lost the part to you-know-who. Yikes. I'll bet Hilary sleeps with one eye open.

But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The bottom line is, of these pairs, one is always above-par on the Attractiveness scale, while the other falls far below any standard of beauty I've ever seen. It just seems so unfair. The prettier, more charming, smaller-nosed sisters are sitting on top of the world while their hosebeast counterparts sit back, idly wading in the shallow end of the gene pool. Is there no justice in this world?

However, I don't think that gives the parents of these women the right to force the uglies on us. We don't want 'em!



Jamie Lynn Spears has it easy. Not only was she born looking nearly identical to her famous sister, but she was lucky enough to sit back and watch while the aforementioned sister slowly went insane over the years, letting herself go physically, allowing her white-trash roots to show, thus making Jamie Lynn a shoo-in to fall into the number one spot in both their parents' and the public's eyes. Not too dissimilar to Ashley Olsen's situation really. More power to you, Jamie Lynn.



I wonder if there are other unknown sisters of the stars waiting in the wings, hoping to see their celebrity genepool crash and burn so that they can dye their hair to "differentiate themselves" and take the top spot?

Are you listening, Aliana Lohan?


Photo from www.perezhilton.com

I Blog, Therefore I Am.

So I'm back down to 3 unique visitors today. Yes, I know it's only noon, but by this time yesterday I was already nearing 70. Now it's set the standard and I'm going to get all whiny when no one comes anymore. Soon, my self-worth will be directly related to the data on my "freestats" page and I'll fall into a coma-like state wherein the only thing that can save me is another onslaught of visitors. Help!!

Or, I just can just shut the hell up and blog my ass off for those 3 unique visitors!! Quality, not quantity, right?

Anyway, I've got a story for you, and it has nothing to do with the Hiltons, Michael Jackson, or the Olsen twins.

So I'm talking to my friend Colleen last night and she tells me that her Mini Pinscher, Sammi, went in yesterday to get her teeth cleaned. During the cleaning, the vet saw a little silver metal bit sticking out of her gum. Upon further inspection, he found that the silver piece was, in fact, a FULLY INTACT f***ing PAPER CLIP wedged INSIDE her jaw!!!! It was in the bone, for God's sake!!!

The vet, who said he'd never seen anything like it, speculates that she'd been chewing on it and it got wedged in there, and since no one knew about it, it just went deeper and deeper every day. The whole thing sounds like something you'd see on "Amazing Animal Videos" on Animal Planet!! Hopefully I'll have some pictures soon to follow up.

Poor Sammi! Get well soon!!!!

I'm babysitting Savannah again today. She's completely adorable, but she sure does shit a lot. She took a short nap on my bed and Simon spent the whole time staring at her with a look of disdain. How dare someone intrude on "his" space!!!

Now she's awake and doesn't seem to be enjoying the Nicktoons I have on for her. I guess I better get off my ass and go be a good aunt.



But fear not... I shall return.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

There Are No Words

Please, for the love of God, watch THIS.

What the f*** is wrong with her?

Thanks to www.jellywoodonline.com for the link.

Ahh, the Pre-Coke Days

Right now Nick at Nite is showing the 1985 episode of Silver Spoons where Whitney Houston is guest starring. They're trying to get Alfonso Ribiero's (Carlton from Fresh Prince... yes, he had another show once) dad to be her manager because "her career is just starting."

Then Bobby Brown comes in with New Edition and and starts smacking the bitch around.

"Funniest Thing Ever" of the Day...

Today I read something(on the Internet of course, where else?) where a girl referred to herself as having a "swampy cooter."

Is it just me, or is that deliriously funny?

Oh... it's just me then. Sorry... I'll go now.

What's Going On?

Wow... I got HUNDREDS of hits today. Over 300 unique users! To those of you who are old pros at the blogging game, that might seem like nothing, but to someone who averages out at about 9 unique users a day, this is a huge deal! Before today, my highest number was like 32 and I was ecstatic over that!

The only explanation I have for this is that someone new has linked me, so whoever you are, thanks!!!

Well... either that, or people just get lost looking for this...

The other "Marnie's World"

Yikes!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Your Show Sucks and You Have a Camel Toe.

Kathy Hilton is an ass. I mean a COMPLETE ass. I suppose that's a given seeing as anyone half-responsible for rearing a vapid, useless, self-adoring whore like Paris HAS to be an ass right? The fact that she has a show is proof that anything... yes, ANYTHING has a shot of being okayed by US television producers.

In fairness to Mama Hilton, I've never actually seen the show. But let's face it, I don't think it's something that you really have to actually watch in order to conclude that it sucks. WHY does this woman have a show? It's bad enough that her oldest child has been relentlessly forced on the American public without merit. Now this?

Do us all a favor Kathy Hilton and never, ever show your face in public again.

And pick your camel toe.



As long as we're on the topic of the Hilton's...

Everyone is constantly picking on Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie for being too skinny, yet you hardly ever hear anyone telling Nicky Hilton to take a break from "designing" her crappy handbags and have a sandwich! Look at these legs!!!


Photos care of www.theothersister.org

Monday, June 20, 2005

"Funniest Thing Ever" of the Day...

Oh Lord. Did you hear about what happened to Tom Cruise at the UK premiere of War of the Worlds? Two British pranksters pretended to be interviewing him, when out of nowhere, their phony microphone squirted him in the face with water! Hahaha!

The footage is priceless. You can read the story and watch it in all its greatness right here.

And...

If that wasn't funny enough for you, Cameron Diaz was recently coldcocked by Kiwi model Coralie Eicholtz, after she inadvertantly stepped on the model's dress, ripping it and causing her to fall. Eicholtz was quoted as saying:

"As Cameron leaped over our seats she accidentally trod on my dress - putting a big hole in it. I toppled over and fell on my face - so I gave her a right hook before my friends stepped in."

Oh, if only there was footage of this, my life would be complete.


story from femalefirst.co.uk

Mr. Bean Lobbies Parliament

Actor Rowan Atkinson spoke out today against a new law relating to the incitement of religious hatred. You can read the story, care of BBC News here if you're interested. I'm not really. I just thought the whole idea of "Mr. Bean Lobbies Parliament" would make a good episode!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

There's Gonna Be Hell to Pay!

You know that commercial where Paul Mitchell says that if you see his products in a supermarket, drugstore, or anywhere other than a salon, it's either counterfeit or black market?

WELL... last night I was in my local Walgreen's and what, to my wondering eyes should appear?

Uh-Oh

That's right folks. A vast array of Paul Mitchell products. I kid you not.

Mr. Mitchell better not find out about this or there will be some serious ass whoopin!

Don't let the peace sign fool you. He's an animal!!

Do Not Cross Me!

HOLY shit

This person actually exists.

Thanks to Pink Is the New Blog for bringing this to my attention.

Oh, Simon.

Simon did something tonight that I think is definitely blogworthy. There's a bit of a backstory, so please bear with me.

This year for Christmas I bought Simon a huge stuffed cow (for a mere $7 at Dollar General, no less) to use as a seat in my room. Up until that point he insisted on sitting under my desk while I was at the computer and I was always afraid my half-assed "extension cord into power strip into extension cord" fire-hazard set up was going to result in an untimely "crisping" of Dear Simon. I went through a point where I was bringing his bed from the living room up and down the stairs all the time, which was annoying. I figured the cow would not only solve this problem, but also be a charming addition to the room.

Well, to say the least, the cow bed (aptly named "New Cow Bed," later shortened to "New Cow") was a hit. I won't get into the specifics because, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words:




If he needed a nap, she was there...



And more importantly, in the event of a "no-no," she was always there to blame...


"New Cow did it."

In short, Simon loves New Cow. Over the months, however, New Cow has taken a bit of a beating. Simon (like most dogs) has to incessantly scratch and spin around 100 times in a spot before he actually gets comfortable, and New Cow was no exception. Before long, not only was she as flat as a board, but she was starting to rip slightly up the back along the seam, and again up by her neck. No worries though, Simon didn't seem to notice.

Well, about an hour ago, I was sitting here browsing the Duran Duran forums (like any extra cool person does on a Friday night) with Simon on the floor next to my chair, lying on New Cow. At some point I noticed him scratching and I hear a ripping sound. I look down, and much to my surprise, Simon is jamming his nose up into the seam along New Cow's neck, trying to get his head under her head... essentially to use it as a blanket... and nearly decapitating her in the process. He didn't quite get her head completely off, but he did reach his goal of a warm head. Like I said... A picture is worth 1000 words:



It looks even funnier like this...



If you ever wondered what your dog would look like if it happened to be born with a giant stuffed cow's head instead of its own, there's your answer.

He still hasn't moved from that position.

I'm guessing by the end of the week, New Cow will be no more. I guess that's what you get for $7.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Nevermind About Lindsay

Scratch that earlier post about Lindsay going back to her roots. It must have been file footage that they were showing because I just saw another commercial for The Tonight Show and she was as blonde as ever. Oh well.

Someone Is To Blame

Oh. My. God. Did anyone see Hit Me Baby One More Time tonight? Much like last week when Vanilla Ice captured the win, this week was some bullshit.

Now, I love me some Howard Jones and I initially was rooting for him, but then Wang Chung busted out with some "Hot in Herre"!!!!! It was classic and DEFINITELY deserved the win! Going into it, I figured Irene Cara had it locked but damn, Wang Chung, damn. As Randy Jackson would say "That was hot baby. You worked it out." But alas, Irene pulled it out. She definitely didn't deserve to win. "What a Feeling" was fine, but then she sang the second song with her new group "Hot CARAmel" (get it?) and she didn't even do all the vocals. Not fair in my book... and not really all that good.

I definitely knew Howard didn't have a chance once I saw the songs he was singing. Don't get me wrong, "No One Is To Blame" is definitely his best song and probably one of my Top 5 Faves ever of any artist and I love "White Flag" too. But they were both too slow to really get the crowd going. Plus, "No One Is To Blame" is a really long song and a lot of it had to be cut out. He should have tried "Things Can Only Get Better." That would have gotten people out of their seats and really into it. In fairness to him too, he still wouldn't have won, but it would have been nice to see him moving around. He puts on a great live show. I've seen him numerous times and only once it wasn't fantastic. I actually met him about 2 years ago and he was really nice... kind of shy actually, and he had better hair than he did tonight:


He probably would have done better tonight if he had he worn his hair like this:


Cameo didn't stand a chance. They butchered "1985," and even got some of the lyrics wrong. Initially I was surprised when Wang Chung was winning the online poll but then they hooked it up!! RE-count!!

I guess there was a reason I thought Irene Cara would win so I shouldn't be surprised. She has some of the most memorable songs ever to her advantage so she was really a shoo-in. (As a side note, if anyone ever wants to see the dance I made up to "Fame" in College, I'm sure I can work something out with my webcam) :-) Her performances tonight just didn't warrant it, and I'm annoyed!

Lindsay Dyed Her Hair Back

I just saw a commercial for The Tonight Show and it showed Linsday Lohan with red hair again. I'm so glad. Being blonde just made her look like every other Teen Queen, including her archrival Miss Hilary. I was in Walgreen's today and I saw her with Jessica Simpson on the cover of Us Weekly or People or something and they looked like sisters. Being a redhead sets you apart! Welcome back, Linds.


Lindsay Goes Back to Her Roots

I am a darn good cook!

You know, I never really considered myself much of a cook, but for two nights in a row now I've just completely wowwed (or is it wowed?) myself in the kitchen!!

After opening the fridge for about a week and staring at the 2 large eggplants that were taking up far too much room, I finally decided on Tuesday night to try and do something with at least one of them. I looked at a few recipes online just to get ideas and decided that I would just keep it simple and make plain old friend eggplant. Well actually, it's not that simple at all. There's quite a few steps involved and it takes long, but I digress. After salting and rinsing and patting and flouring and breading and chilling, then frying, I was finally done. It turned out so good!! At first I was eating it plain (because I did cool things like mix parmesan cheese with the bread crumbs) because it was good enough to do that! Then I decided to slap some cheese and sauce on for a nice makeshift eggplant parm dish. Awesome. I'm a regular Jamie Oliver. At around 2am I remembered it was downstairs so I had to have another peice ("no late night eating" be damned!).

Anyway, as if that wasn't good enough, I whipped up a particularly slammin' batch of BLT pasta salad last night. I've made it before, but there was just something about last night's portion that kicked extra ass. I ate it like it was going out of style, and I housed the rest today at lunchtime. Giving credit where credit is due, the recipe isn't mine... I just execute it well. :-) You can find it here... (just nevermind the misprint where it says "lettuce and lettuce"... it means lettuce and tomato!). Oh yes, and for the record, I cut the recipe in half. Even I couldn't eat that amount in just two servings!

So to sum up this entry... I'm awesome at making fried eggplant and BLT Pasta salad.

And my English muffin pizzas aren't bad either. :-)
Photo care of www.graphicembroidery.com

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Funniest. Thing. Ever.

I know I've already plugged the Gallery of the Absurd once, but it's already earned the right to a second plug in my book. Check out this hilarious illustration of The Donald and his evil combover (oh yeah, and Melania's there too!)...
The Donald and Friends

As you get to know me, you'll probably find that I think most things are the "funniest thing ever" but this one is the reigning champ at least for the day.

Click here photo for more hilarity!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

When Exactly Did the Olsen Twins Become So Utterly Unlikeable?

What the hell happened to these two? Seriously. They went from what seemed like happy, charming, well-adjusted little girls to two broodish, sullen, sour-pusses who hide behind big glasses, big bodyguards, and even bigger cups of Starbucks.

It must be insane to live your life in the spotlight from the age of 9 months, but at the same time, you'd think it would make someone fairly used to being in front of the camera. As they say, it comes with the price of fame, and in your case ladies, the price of fame is somewhere in the billion dollar rage... so suck it up.

When is the last time one of you smiled or even made eye contact with a camera? (Other than to flip one off, of course) And what exactly do you think it does to hold up your tiny hand and to try and block the shot? Do you think that it makes the photo unable to be sold? No, it doesn't. All that happens is that it gets captioned with something about you being snobby and stand-offish... and jerks like me write about you in their blogs.

I will play Devil's Advocate for a second. Let's assume I'm just being an asshole. I don't know what it's like to have Papparazzi surrounding me all the time so if you want to make feeble attempts to hide your tiny faces from them, whatever. But when you go to an event and you're on the red carpet, could we get a smile?? Or even a remotely normal looking expression?

Is anybody with me?

Mary Kate just squints her eyes and does that weird duck thing with her lips and Ashley... oh Ashley. When she's not looking completely miserable, she has that deer in headlights look... only in her case it's a deer with annoying pursed lips in headlights. I guess it's meant to look cute. Sort of a non-verbal way of saying "Look at me in all my doe-eyed innocence! I'm the non-fucked up one, you know." Well, I've got news for you. It makes you look fucked up.

So ladies, if you've decided in your "old age" that you just want to sit back and enjoy your fortune, then so be it. But then stop attending every red carpet event. Stop doing photo shoots for Harper's Bazaar. Stop sitting courtside at Lakers games. And Mary Kate, for the love of God, PLEASE stop wearing enough outfits (at once) to clothe half the nation. It only draws more attention to you!!! At some point, you'll fall out of the public eye and no one will care anymore. But until then, stop being so God damn miserable and Say Cheese!


Oh yeah.... and Happy Birthday! :-)

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Police Ready to Secure Streets when Jackson Verdict Comes In

From NBC News:

"Police chief Dan Macagni of Santa Maria, California, says his force has been working for a year and a half to get ready for the eventual verdict in the Michael Jackson trial. While county sheriff's officers patrol the courthouse grounds, three dozen local police are responsible for keeping order on the streets surrounding it. Macagni says his officers are ready. One thing they did last week was confiscate rocks from Jackson fans on the east side of the courthouse. He also dismissed a rumor that Jackson would be helicoptered the 75 miles to the county jail in Santa Barbara if he's convicted. "Helicopters don't land in my jurisdiction." he says curtly. Jury deliberations resume Monday."

Hahaha. They were going to throw rocks?

In Related News...

Newsday.com reports that if convicted, Michael Jackson will most likely be put into "famous digs," that is, the protective housing unit within Corcoran State Prison. The segregated area of the prison which is described as "far from glamorous" but "highly desirable" for inmates is the home of Charles Manson, among others. Those being considered for these exclusive cells must meet certain criteria, which includes "specific, verified enemies" or "notoriety likely to result in great bodily harm." I'd say Jackson is pretty much the poster child for that second one. Charles Manson, you may have a new roommate soon.

Read the full story here.

T-Minus 5 Hours Until Season Premiere of The Dead Zone!

This is one of the best shows on television. If you haven't seen it, please do yourself a favour and don't miss it tonight at 10 on the USA Network (if for nothing else than to see how smoking hot Anthony Michael Hall has gotten over the years!). I think we all remember what he looked like as an 80's teen icon. Well, he's grown up and he's yummy. Don't deprive yourself.

The Trouble With Magazine Deadlines

As most of us know, most monthly magazines are actually often put together a few months, if not more, ahead of the actual publication date. This deadline schedule can sometimes lead to problems when celebrities say things in interviews that no longer hold true a mere few weeks later.

In this month's issue of InStyle, Katies Holmes discusses how she and Chris Klein had ultimately decided that they were better off as friends. She then adds, "And we are very young." Oh yes, we wouldnt want to settle down so soon, right Katie?

As we all know, for weeks now we've been inundated with photos of Miss Holmes and Tom Cruise, or "TomKat" for those in-the-know. In another recent interview, when asked how she felt about the prospect of marrying Tom, she apparently blushed and said, “That makes me smile just thinking about it.”

Ummm... what happened to being too young? Does that only hold true when BOTH of you are young? Was the ink from the presses even dry before her comment already didn't make any sense? Just how far in advance does InStyle do their interviews? Or is Katie just being a hypocrite? You decide.

WTF?

WTF?

Who Can It Be Now?

If you're an 80's fiend like me, try your hand here with "Who Can It Be Now?" on The 80's Server, one of my favourite sites. There are some really fun pay games (if you're a dork like me) but this one's free. A new one pops up every night at midnight so you can test your mad 80's skills every day.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Kevin Federline long lost relative of the late Christopher Reeve?

Okay, I know I said I was done until tomorrow, but this is just WEIRD.

I was cleaning out some old stuff and came across a People Magazine from 1984. Browsing through it, I came across this photo of Christopher Reeve.

I don't think I have to say anymore...


Eeerie. God rest poor Mr. Reeve's soul!

This Just In: Zoo Plans Thwarted by Mother Nature

Ain't it a bitch? I was supposed to be going to the zoo tomorrow but impending thunderstorms have put the kibosh on that idea. Bummmer.

But it did get me thinking about my adventure last summer with Emily and Kyle, my 2 year old nephew. That day provided just about the cutest picture ever taken and it would be criminal for me not to share it with you...



Oh yeah, and just to start your weekend out on the right foot, here's one of some turtles getting it on...



See ya' tomorrow. :-)

Gotta Love Judge Judy!

One of the cases on Judge Judy today dealt with a young guy who left his 13-month old dog in the care of a friend while he looked for a new place to live. When he went to pick up the dog, he found that someone had severely beaten her. Her jaw was broken, she was bleeding from the mouth, and she was having seizures. The assholes who were responsible not only denied it, but they wanted compensation for the food they gave the dog while they had it.

Judge Judy nailed them to the wall. Called them drunks, made them pay up, and dismissed their counterclaim as bull. You go girl.

If anyone ever did anything like that to my dog I'd poke their f***ing eyes out with barbecue tongs.

Cast Your Vote for the World's Sexiest Vegetarian!

I know there's going to be a public outcry over the fact that I'm not one of the nominees, but it's a pretty decent list anyway.

Since it was working for Morrissey that ultimately turned me into a vegetarian, he's got my vote. And Carrie Underwood from American Idol is my female pick because her family runs a cattle ranch and she's STILL veg, which is totally cool.

Not that I'm trying to sway your vote at all. :-)

Moz Talks Turkey

Bad Day?

I think I might be having a bad day. I'm not quite sure yet.

It started out okay. I mean, someone ate all the plain cream cheese, leaving me nothing but onion and chive flavoured for my cinnamon bagel -- not cool -- but other than that, it was fairly uneventful. In very un-Marnie-like fashion, I got up extra early and went to the gym and that went fine. Now I'm watching my neice, and things are starting to fall apart.

The thing you have to know about Savannah (that would be the aforementioned neice) is that she's an extremely hungry child. At 2 months, she was already the size of a 6 month old, if that tells you anything. Now, at 4 months (and nearly 21 lbs.) she can do without most things as long as she has a boob or a bottle shoved in her mouth for at least 3/4 of the day. She's already had 8 ounces since she's been here, as well as half a jar of apples (which is a nightmare because she doesn't open her mouth, so you have to just make her laugh and shove it in as soon as you see your chance), yet somehow, she's still crying. A lot. Tons of crying. It doesn't stop.

It's enough to make you lose your mind. If there's anything I've learned from the extensive amount of babysitting I've done for my sister's children, it's that I don't think I want any kids of my own. At least not for a very very long time. Rod Stewart is going to be a father again at 60. That sounds about right for me. I think by then I should be ready.

God. Please. Make. Her. Stop.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

My Own Consumer Reporting

First let me say that due to the magic that is Verizon DSL, I lost a really long message but here I am back to write a new one because I'm so dedicated. :-)

I thought I'd start my second official post (for the second time!) by offering up my own little public service. You see, if you're anything like me (and Conan O'Brien), and were blessed with what I like to call the "Luck of the Irish" (i.e., pasty white flesh) then you probably don't do much tanning. The Micks and the Sun just don't mesh so well. Of course, if you're exactly like me, you chose to ignore this and repeatedly attempt tanning beds before realising it was futile and you were basically just paying money to be burnt to a crisp. Not cool.

However, with the invention and advancement of Sunless Tanners, even us ghost-like peeps still have a chance to go outside without blinding the general public. Over the years I've tried just about every type of self-tanner there is. Some worked well. Some worked even better than that. Some made me look like a zebra with jaundice. I'm here to tell you which is which, and spare you the time and money of trying them out yourself. I now present to you, the very best and the very worst of the Self-Tanning world...

VERY BEST
*Neutrogena Sunless Tanning Spray
Pros- Inexpensive and available in many stores, Spray allows for easy application even in hard to reach areas, Dries really quickly, Doesn't readily wash off.
Cons- Usually takes a few coats to get desirable colour; smells like a perm, Starts to make you look like a scaly lizard after a few days if you don't exfoliate like crazy..
-- I've always found Neutrogena to be pretty hit or miss when it comes to self-tanners (see VERY WORST list), but this is definitely one of their better efforts.

*Neutrogena Instant Bronze for the Face
Pros- Best of the "For Face" tanners, Tinted to avoid streaking, Dries quickly, Doesn't smell too bad, Even a small tube lasts pretty long.
Cons- Seems to clog pores and cause breakouts in more sensitive skin (Despite saying otherwise right on the front of the tube), Usually needs to be reapplied everyday because it washes off fairly easily.
-- Neutrogena did its job pretty well again here, but it all goes downhill from here for them.

*ORIGINAL Hollywood Tans UV Free Self-Tanning Spray Booth
Pros- The whole thing from beginning to end took about 5 minutes (6 seconds for the actual tan), Dried quickly enough that you could get dressed right away, Fine mist went on really evenly, rubbed in nicely, and looked great after a few hours.
Cons- Tasted really bad and getting it into your mouth was pretty much inevitable, If you forgot to do the little ballerina motions, you could end up very uneven, expensive (around $25 per application or 5 for $100)
--Like all good things, they "improved" the booth and it completely sucks now (See VERY WORST list)

*Hollywood Tans Sunless Self Tanning Lotion
Pros- Great for touch ups after going into the HT UV-Free Spray Booth, Smells like caramel
Cons- Very pricey for the tiny amount you get, No need to go into that stupid booth anymore now that they changed it.
--Not really worth getting on it's own, but definitely was great in matching the colour you got from the booth before it started sucking.

*L'Oreal Sublime Bronze Tinted Self Tanning Lotion
Pros- Relatively inexpensive, VERY good if you need to look tan in a few hours as the tint is very powerful, provides a GORGEOUS real looking tan that lasts really long, NEVER streaky.
Cons- Tint washes off in the shower so it generally takes at least 2-3 coats to get the best effect, Takes REALLY long to dry, Almost always gets on clothes because no one with a life can wait as long as it takes to dry before they get dressed.
--Still a GREAT tanner, second in my book only to the Self-Tanning Gelee below.

*L'Oreak Subline Bronze Self-Tanning Gelee
Pros- Relatively inexpensive, VERY nice even after only one coat, VERY real looking and like its counterpart above, lasts really long and rarely looks streaky
Cons- No tint so you have to pay attention to where you're putting it to make sure and get all areas, Also takes half a lifetime to dry even with a thin layer.
--Still my favourite of all the drug-store brand self-tanners. I'm going to give "Fake Bake" a try soon (the price has been holding me back) but if it's not as good as they say, I'm heading straight back to this one and never looking back.

*Sunrise Salon Manual Spray Job in Marlow, England
Pros-
By far the darkest tan I've ever received after only one coat, only continues to get darker, lasts at least a week and still looks great, Done manually by Sunrise employee so NEVER streaky, looks perfect right down to the fingertips.
Cons- Not for the modest... a complete stranger is spraying you from what looks like a vacuum cleaner while you stand there in nothing but a TEENY thong made of dryer sheet material, VERY expensive (the equivalent of about $50 for one application), Some would say it makes you a little too dark.
--It's actually slightly scary at first how dark it makes you, but after 4 hours when you shower it looks PERFECT. If I lived in England and was rich, I'd never be pale again. As a side note, you HAVE to make sure you have 4 hours to wait before showering before going out. My friend and I didn't and just went out with the original tan without showering. This was the result...


On that note...
VERY WORST
*
Neutrogena Sunless Tanning Foam
Pros- None
Cons- Smells awful, doesn't work for shit, dries so quickly you barely have time to rub it in so streaks are inevitable.
--Just an awful, horrible, stinking, shitty product.

*Banana Boat VitaSkin Instant Sunless Tanning Lotion
Pros- In fairness, I only used this product once so I didn't even really have time to find any pros.
Cons- Smells so sickeningly sweet and HORRIBLE that I threw it out after one use, That one use didn't seem to do much for me colour-wise, I had to actually throw out the shirt I wore after the application because it smelled so awful.
--If you don't have a nose, then perhaps this product would work better for you.

*Neutrogena Instant Bronze Sunless Tanner and Bronzer for Body
Pros- Inexpensive and readily available, dries in just the right amount of time, Tint shows you where you're applying to minimize streaks
Cons- Once tint washes off, you're pretty much as pale as you were when you started, If you don't wash off the Tint it gets on EVERYTHING
-I don't really understand how a company can get some products so right, and completely screw up a very similar product. Far from bashing Neutrogena though! Not only do they not test on animals (although their parent company Johnson & Johnson does), but their cosmetics line is EXCELLENT quality at a great price. If only they would hone a few of their tanners a bit!

*CURRENT Hollywood Tans UV Free Self-Tanning Spray Booth
Pros-
Still an extremely fast process.
Cons- For some insane reason, the good people at HT decided that the fine mist wasn't working, so they'd rather SLAM the customer in the face and body with a THICK blast of tanner, leaving you a sopping mess when you come out, Clothes get COVERED with crap, and half the colour ends up being wiped off with the towels because there's no way you could get dressed otherwise.
--If it ain't broke, DON'T fix it!! Won't be going there anymore.

Anyway, I think that about does it. Like I said, I'm going to try this "Fake Bake" that everyone's raving about, but it better be damn good for $25 a bottle. I know that's not a completely crazy price, but the L'Oreal stuff I love so much is about $9! I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I hope this helps. Look your best this summer, but consider yourself warned!

PS Not that is has anything to do with tanning, but if perhaps the inane ramblings of one girl from Southern New Jersey isn't enough for you, feel free to check out my friend Emily's Blog. She doesn't update as often as I'd like, but maybe if you yell at her, she'll get it together. :-)

Until we meet again...

Welcome to Marnie's World

Hey all!

So I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now and today I've finally decided to take the plunge. Not really sure what I'm going to talk about on any given day, but I can pretty much assure you that it will be 99% nonsense. I'm sure I'll be the only one reading it so it doesn't much matter!

A couple of things inspired me to write a blog... namely other blogs. There are a select few that I've grown so addicted to, that I go through withdrawal if I don't check them out at least 5 times a day. (Yes, it's quite a life I've got going here). I think it's only fair to start out by giving those fair few a shout out!

  • CITYRAG -- My very favourite blog ever. The entries are so funny and Buddy (the Wonder Dog) is so adorable. I can definitely foresee me totally stealing that idea and frequently posting pictures of my equally adorable Jack Russel, Simon. In fact, I'll start now:

Moving on...

  • PINK IS THE NEW BLOG -- Love it. All the Britney news you'll ever need, plus a ton of other cool stuff. Not to mention, he always points out the unattractiveness of Kim Stewart, which is just funny.
  • THE BASTARDLY -- Link after link will keep you busy for hours on this one. Or maybe that's just me... either way, it's definitely worth checking out.
  • THE SUPERFICIAL -- Subtitled "Because You're Ugly." Kirsten Dunst is the Kim Stewart of this site. Good stuff.
  • A SOCIALITES LIFE -- Speaks for itself really.
  • POP CULTURE JUNKIES -- Not overly different to the Superficial or Socialite's Life, but still a good daily read!
  • PEREZHILTON.COM -- Unique stories and funny commentary. That's hot.
  • GALLERY OF THE ABSURD -- Ever want to see the Olsen twins as monkeys hanging from a money tree? It's there. Wonder what a cartoon of Jessica Simpson as an alien would look like? Done. Meg Ryan as a fish? Lindsay and Nicole as skeletons? They've got it all covered. Just go. Now. You won't regret it.
  • GO FUG YOURSELF -- Reminding Hollywood that they're not always as glamourous and good looking as they think. If only Bai Ling would heed their advice.
  • HOOKERS ON STILTS -- Not a celebrity oriented blog like the others, but completely f***ing hysterical. Dry senses of humour are the best, and I've laughed myself into a quivering heap over this one.

Those are my absolute faves, but I'd be remiss if I didn't give an honourable mention to Egotastic, Thighs Wide Shut, and The Corsair. They keep me a very busy girl. And now I'll be even busier writing my own, aspiring to match their greatness.

So now that we've got all that out of the way, we can officially open for business!

Welcome.