Monday, April 30, 2007

For Sale: 1.5 Inch Bright Orange Penis

For those of you who already don't own one, that is.

After many nights of tossing and turning, I've made a decision. And as hard as it was, I think it's for the best.

I've decided to part with my beloved Penis Cheese Curl.

I struggled with this for a few days now, and I've decided that there has to be someone out there who can give this little guy the attention he both needs and deserves. That which I cannot give him at this time in my life.

Rather than leaving him in a dumpster or on a doorstep, I've decided to go the mature route... and list him on Ebay.

Go on... you know you want to.



I truly am a sick individual.

Oh, plus I'm hard up for cash so cut me a break.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Why I Refuse to Buy Starburst Berries and Cream

Have you seen the commercial for these? I don't care if they were the most delicious things in the universe, and by eating one, you immediately lost 10 pounds, got a day off of work, and your skin cleared up. I will never eat them, just because they have the creepiest, most ridiculous commercial in history.



I'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the meeting when the advertising agency presented this to the Starburst people. Whoever was the one to say "Yes! This is exactly what we're looking for!" should not only be fired, but perhaps tarred and feathered as well.

The problem is, now that I've seen the commercial, I can't unsee it.


And this guy will live on in my nightmares for eternity.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Not Your Mother's Cheese Curl

Don't you love when food takes on a mind of it's own and starts trying to entertain us?

You know what I'm talking about. There's the Lincoln Fry...


The Virgin Mary Cheese Toast...


And through the wonderful world of Google Images, I've now discovered this Chewbacca Chalupa...


...which I hope is a Photoshop because that shit is creepy.

I think those things are funny. I even enjoyed it the other day when the chocolate parts of my Oreo were inside-out, with the logo against the cream and the flat side showing. I should probably look into getting a life.

Anyway, as luck would have it, tonight my evening snack took a humorous, if not slightly disgusting turn, when upon reaching into the bag of Jax Cheese Curls, I discovered a real beauty.



Move over, Blessed Mother. Take a hike, honest Abe. And Chewbacca? Well you know what you can do. Because I've got you all beat.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

The Penis Cheese Curl:


Can you believe it? It has a sack and all! I couldn't have done that if I'd tried!

No, really. I'm totally going to show it to you a million times!

(click to enlarge a little)

So... if the blessed mother in toast was a sign of good fortune and inner peace to the lady who made it -- what do you think this means for me?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Good Deed for the Day

While I was walking Simon tonight, I walked past a truck that had a cute dog in it. The bad part was that it was 77 degrees and there was only one window cracked a tiny bit.

Nearby, the owner of the dog was mowing my neighbour's lawn. I went over and asked if I could please take his dog for a walk with me and Simon, because I felt terrible seeing him in that hot truck. He agreed and off we went.

Surprisingly, Simon got along with this dog -- whose name was Lucky -- really well. As he gets older, Simon get more and more crotchety, and doesn't particularly like other dogs, particularly ones that are taking some of his attention. Not so with Lucky. He walked side by side with him, and they even waited politely for eachother when they were peeing.

Afterwards, I brought Lucky to my house for water and treats in my backyard, where they happily ran around together. I tried to capture a particularly cute picture of them touching noses, but I was a second too late, so it hardly does the scene justice.


What a good dog he was!

When I noticed his owner getting his lawn mower together, I walked Lucky back over to him, where I found out he was a rescue from Hurricane Katrina. I guess he really is Lucky. I told his owner that he is always welcome to come over and play with Simon and even if I'm not home, he's more than welcome to play in my fenced-in yard, rather than sitting in a hot, hot car.

That part I better never see again, or else there will be trouble!

Operation: Bikini in Spain

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. April has proven to be the busiest month thus far this year so Marnie's World has taken a bit of a back seat. I promise to make it up to you in May, when I'll no doubt have several ridiculous stories to report back, after following Keane around the East Coast like a dog in heat. Keep an eye out for that.

Anyway, remember back in the beginning of the year when I decided I was a new woman and all that business? Well, part of my "New Marnie in '07" plan included a resolution to start exercising -- for real this time. To say the least, this little goal quickly turned into a borderline-obsessive exercise regime that I follow 5-6 days a week without fail.


I know! I can't believe it any more than you can.

While there were several reasons for my workout madness, the main one is the fact that I'm traveling to Spain in July with my English besties, and for the first time since 4rth grade, I thought it might be nice to wear a bikini with pride. I think 17 years is long enough, and while the tankini is a beautiful thing, I'm ready to move on. That said, I did wear a bikini one day in Vegas last summer, but certainly not with pride. It hardly counts when you drag your towel to the edge of the pool to wrap yourself in before you lug your ass out, does it?


I'll bet she does the same.

Anyway, there's an actual point to all this. I officially began my routine at the end of January, and I leave for my trip on the 6th of July, so this past weekend marked the halfway mark. As such, I took new measurements in addition to my normal weekly weigh-in. I've only lost 6 and a half pounds in all that time, but I've also somehow managed to melt off 10 and a half inches too!

10 and a half inches!


Tell me about it!

Not only are my incentive jeans officially my size now, but I might be able to borrow that shirt from Lindsay after all!

So yeah, I'm pretty happy about it. I've still got a ways to go yet, mostly on the toning side, but now I'm fairly confident that bikini-ville is going to have a new resident soon. Well, I hope so. Otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do with the 4 bikinis I've bought already.

They're not exactly the fluorescent pink and green number with the zipper like in 4rth grade, but they'll do.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Not 'Over It' Yet

Okay, it's true, damn it. I totally love Katharine McPhee's new song, "Over It".

Admittedly, I haven't always been overly kind to Miss McPhee (and promptly got chewed out for it in what was some of my favourite "comments section" banter ever) but that shit is catchy!
"Wanting you to be wanting me
No that ain’t no way to be
How I feel, read my lips
Because I’m so over
(I'm so)
Movin’ on, it’s my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first, a little bit
But now I’m so over
I’m so over it"

Word.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Marnie and Lily: BFF

My love for Lily Allen reached its peak tonight.

First of all, she is so badass. But not like poser badass. More like "I don't give a SHIT what you think" badass.

Like "I totes rolled up to the soundcheck in an old green station wagon and I'm still cooler than you" badass.

(She really did, by the way)

I love when famous people who seem cool actually turn out to actually be cool, and Miss Allen was certainly no exception.


Now if only I could not look like a jerk-off in every picture. This is the only one you're seeing.

Anyway, as if her off-stage persona wasn't cool enough, she worked the crowd like no other, and had everyone laughing their asses off between songs. Plus, beneath it all, she is a truly excellent singer.

So as if the night wasn't hot enough, she starts this acoustic set and you'll never believe it.

She's like, "This next song is by another UK band called.."

wait for it

...KEANE"

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She sang Everybody's Changing!!!! For real! Lily, what are you doing to me? Are you TRYING to make me have an awkward girlie crush on you? It's working.



Stop being so cool.

Thanks soo much to my new buddy Katie for enjoying this awesomeness with me!!

Monday, April 09, 2007

I Go Ahead and Smile

Lily Allen at the Electric Factory tomorrow night, mother effers.

I can't wait.

Words cannot express how I love this girl. Not Tom "Oh the things I'd let him do to me" Chaplin sort of love, but Lily "Oh my god can you please be my best friend and go to TopShop with me?" Allen kind of love.

Ok so maybe in Lily's case it'd be New Look.

Whatevs. As long as we're hanging out.


A girl after my own heart.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Giggity Giggity

Is it just me, or does Howard K. Stern look just like Quagmire from Family Guy?



Only, you know... sleazier.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I Think the World Might Be Ending Soon.

How else could we explain this?

The Cure Team Up With Ashlee Simpson

The Cure frontman Robert Smith has teamed up with singer Ashlee Simpson for a collaboration on her new album.

The as-yet-untitled album is the follow up to 2005's I Am Me.

Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz denied any involvement in putting the unusual pair together, even though both of them are his personal friends.

He said: "I doubt I had anything to do with it, 'cause they were friends since she was performing in Chicago. But I definitely only have good things to say about Ash--I think the collaboration could be great."

Simpson is also known to be working with Keane's Tim Rice-Oxley, Chad Hugo from the Neptunes, and John Legend, reports Entertainment Weekly.
I'm hyperventilating right now.

Seriously, people! ASHLEE SIMPSON??? Does no one remember what a musical joke she is? Sure, she's pretty now, but that doesn't make her any less of a nightmare. I expect more from Robert Smith, and CERTAINLY from Tim Rice-Oxley!

*sigh* At least I know Morrissey will never do this to me.


Even they look disappointed in themselves.

UPDATE: Oh, thank fuck!

From keanemusic.com:

In other news, word has it that you've written some songs for Ashlee Simpson.
Ha, yes! I don't know quite where that came from. I have been asked to do quite a lot of things in the last few months, partly in the wake of the Gwen Stefani song, which is very flattering. It's nice to be in demand, but the Ashlee Simpson thing is not something I'm planning to do.

BIG sigh of relief!

And as an added bonus, note the underlined, proverbial slap in the face to Ashlee...

Perhaps there's a foppish young Brit walking around LA pretending to be you, offering to write songs.
That could be it! But I enjoyed working in LA with Gwen a lot and I have done some work with Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls as well. Both of those people are really incredibly, genuinely talented musicians. So I learn a lot from doing it. But I've not got anything else I'm planning to do at the moment. I just want to focus on Keane as much as possible. It's very easy to get distracted, especially because it's so flattering to be asked to do stuff. But the band is far and away the most important thing in my life.

I knew you wouldn't do this to me, Tim! We can be friends again now. :-)

Robert Smith -- you still have some 'splainin to do!

(Thanks to Susan for bringing this to my attention!)